9:37am right now. At work right now (in woodland). I feel broken; empty. I can’t concentrate on anything real anymore, I can only feel my pain. Everything is pain, no matter where I look or what’s happening. Nothing can change what I know now. I’m too scared to trust others now, with anything. I don’t trust the world. Too much chaos around me, undefeatable chaos.
I just want to run away and live a simpler life. I feel as though it’s all I am capable of right now. The only game I have a real chance of playing.
They say just graduate. I wish I could. Not that I think I’d be capable of a real engineering job currently anyways. I’d probably just want to die even more. My workload, expectations, and overall pressure continues to increase just as anything that may motivate or brings joy to me slips into oblivion. I don’t care about anything. I want to, but feels as though I may be incapable. All efforts to care remain useless. And I’m done acting in the interest of others. Therefore, I must do something soon. I need change, or I suspect something very bad will occur.
I wish I had helpful therapy. I wish I had support. Feeling alone sucks, but feeling like you need to be alone because the world has torn you to shreds one too many times deprives me of my humanity in a much more hurtful way. I shouldn’t get close to others, I shouldn’t play this meaningless societal game. It’s not worth it; life has proved that to me. I should just be. I no longer want, so I no longer need. I no longer feel, so meaning derived from most current situations in my life is rather abstract and unsatisfying. It makes me largely NPC-like. Robotic, but unskilled in comparison.
I want to show others the pain that I feel always. I want them to know what it’s like to see the world like this. I know that what I describe here is a deeper layer of societial understanding due to my ability to relate and understand the process and motivations behind the actions of others, while they scratch their heads at the actions of my own. I understand myself, and them, while they only understand themselves. (Obviously, we all understand ourselves to various degrees and varying perspectives).
More than that though, I want to be okay. I know that I won’t be happy in the future, because I won’t be able to trust my happiness or the situation/people in it enough to really believe it to be true. After all, when has it ever really been true?
It’s like all I can care or think about is never feeling that way ever again. I’ll never recover, I’m sure. Unless I get REALLY good at lying to myself. It’s….. too much
Signing off,
gg
Meaningless Nothings 